We all know someone who’s blamed a bad date, a missed train, or accidentally texting their ex on “Mercury being in retrograde.” And honestly? Fair enough. But what if the star signs also had a say in your wine rack?
Yes, it’s nonsense. Yes, it’s entirely unscientific. But that hasn’t stopped horoscopes, healing crystals, or drinking Sauvignon Blanc at brunch.
So here we go. Twelve signs. Twelve wines. Minimal astrology credentials. Maximum vibes.
♈ Aries – Shiraz
Bold, fiery, occasionally aggressive in a group setting. Basically you in a bottle. Shiraz doesn’t do subtle, and neither do you. Pairs well with spicy food and starting arguments in group chats.
♉ Taurus – Barolo
Luxury? Check. Earthy? Also check. Expensive? Obviously. Taureans know their worth and don’t do anything without a cheese board. Barolo takes time and patience – but you’re into that sort of thing.
♊ Gemini – Pét-Nat
Effervescent, unpredictable, maybe a bit chaotic. One day you’re fruity, the next you’re dry and confusing everyone. You turn up late to parties but somehow still end up in every photo.
♋ Cancer – Pinot Noir
Sensitive, moody, and better when handled gently. Pinot Noir is basically the human equivalent of crying at a John Lewis advert but still hosting a cracking dinner party.
♌ Leo – Champagne (Obviously)
Attention-seeking, glamorous, and the first to suggest a toast. If there’s a spotlight, Leo is in it. If there’s Champagne, they’re holding it, probably already on their second glass.
♍ Virgo – Chablis
Clean, precise, slightly intimidating if you don’t know what you’re doing. Chablis doesn’t shout about itself, but it knows it’s the sharpest white in the fridge. Just like Virgo, it’s all about the details.
♎ Libra – Provence Rosé
Balanced, beautiful, and constantly trying to please everyone. You pair with everything, look good on Instagram, and somehow make wearing linen seem effortless.
♏ Scorpio – Malbec
Dark, intense, and not for the faint-hearted. Scorpios and Malbec both bring drama, mystery, and the slight risk of a hangover that makes you question your life choices.
♐ Sagittarius – Orange Wine
Adventurous, weird, possibly misunderstood at first. But once people get you, they’re obsessed. You probably backpacked through Georgia just to say you tried qvevri-aged skin contact.
♑ Capricorn – Bordeaux
Structured, serious, and secretly bougie. You age well, plan ahead, and judge people who serve wine in tumblers. Probably own a decanter and actually use it.
♒ Aquarius – Lambrusco
A little eccentric, a little fizzy, and not at all what people expected. You like doing things your own way. Cold red wine? You don’t need their rules. Let them be confused.
♓ Pisces – Moscato d’Asti
Sweet, dreamy, and easily distracted. Moscato is a gentle hug in a glass, ideal for when your emotions need a sugar boost and you’re trying to pretend you don’t cry during Bake Off.
